What I have seen would scare the shit out of most people. In my dreams as well as in real life. Most people would say I'm crazy that is if they actually believed what I was saying. It doesn't take much for a person to not believe in the words you speak because their life has not yeilded such tales. It is in this that I have found the strength to not care what others think of me and to live my life without regret. Do I regret ANY of it? Yes.. I do but I can not let that hold me back from the future that has been fortold to me on many occasion while listening to the sight seerers of the past. A tourist I'm not, A believer not really, God... I don't think so, Jesus try again. Fate, Destiny and a handful of pills are my lord and saviour.
I grew up in a middle class family that was very open minded because my mom was a tough 5 foot Irish pure blood that didn't take any shit from anybody and always spoke her mind. It didn't matter if it hurt your feelings or upset you, thats how it was. She was a great mom and deserved the world but only got a couple messed up kids, a shit house in the suburbs, and a husband who could never meet her needs. My mom... She was meant for royalty but could blend in with the peasants dancing and drinking all night at the tavern and later returning to her kingdom with a smile as she surprised the help with breakfast. I am who I am today because of her, I would have never survived in the jungle if I didn't have a Lioness as a mom.
My father.. He was I guess your stereotypical American Dad. He worked 24/7 and I didn't see him much for the first 12 years of my life. His work ethic and loyalty to the companies he worked for were not like anything I have ever seen in my life. People can work for a company for 30 years and get their pension and a 401k but my dad did it knowing he wasn't going to get shit in the end. He tried his hardest to provide for us and he did. I think growing up in the 80's a father had a easier time providing though. If you were to take the same man and put him in present day he would look like a neanderthal. Foolish in every way imaginable, we lost everything in the process. My family went from having lavish gifts, vacations, 5 cars, and a beautiful house in the suburbs to a 3 bedroom row home in Philly where there was hardly anything to even eat. I don't blame him for my demise i did that to myself, because what happened next was my doing and no one elses.
I have 2 brothers and a sister who are not significant in my life but have been influential. There's more bad than good so I will just leave it at that. I do not talk to any of my siblings and have no interest to do so in the future. They don't serve a purpose in my life and I truly will not be sad when they are gone. I am the only child in my family to have had the pleasure of having children of my own. I'm positive this is where I justify my thought's.
Growing up country.. Let's add that I was born in 75. Shit was so simple then, It would be like going camping permantley now a days. I remember riding my bike all the time, it's something nice to think about when you remember your past. I guess that's why I love motorcycles so much, you just feel free. Plus most of my fondest memories of riding motorcycles is getting chased by cops and getting away 99% of the time. I was a very smart child and took after my mother who was always filling my head with words I had no clue that had so much meaning. My childhood was rough and the only thing that was consistant was being put down, bullied, and beat up. I learned to take a punch early on in life and just let that shit roll off my shoulder. I fought back most of the time but I always lost. The kids picking on me were always bigger and older. It was as fucked up as you could possibly think fucked up can get. An 8 year old getting beat up by a 15 year old wasn't a big deal back then and everyone in my little neighborhood seemed to have it out for me. I was the kid to pick on, I was the kid to make fun of, I was the one that got beat up every day at the bus stop. I wish I could go back and kill every last one of those fucks that did this to me. It hasn't been easy forgetting, I don't think I will ever forget. I think thats why when I got old enough I started standing my ground and started pushing back. Everywhere I went no matter where I was I had enemies that wanted to literally kill me. 15 years old and having to watch your back in the country of all places! Every time I stood up to one bully their would be another standing behind him waiting for his chance. We had to move 3 times before I was 17 because it got so bad. I guess I'm just a shit magnet! I tried so hard to fit in and always turned in to the misfit. I remember around 13 I started thinking about killing myself. I would make superficial cuts on my wrist for attention, to no avail. Then I discovered pot.. then alcohol.. then both at the same time. I always had money because I quit school at 15 to work with my father who ran an unsuccessful business and paid me shit wages to make up for it. I was basically a high priced slave to him at one point. He didn't hesitate to take advantage of my youth and rob it from me. Now this might sound terrible but at the time it's actually what I needed. Otherwise I would have had too much time on my hands to be absolutely nobody doing absolutely nothing with my life. Instead I spent 60 sometimes 80 hours a week working. I enjoyed taking frequent trips to the mall and buying new clothes and sneaks. You see I never had nice clothes or the newest shit that was out so this was my way of becoming an individual. Girls started to actually notice me. I started romancing the thought of being this individual that I really wasn't. I put on this huge horse and pony show for everyone to make them like me. I was so obsessed with making people like me that I forgot who I was. I made an alter reality for myself to live in and I was finally happy with who I was knowing the whole time I was just making it up as I went along.
Fifteen through seventeen were fun years, I finally got laid the summer I turned 15. I actually used two condoms because my mom had scared the shit out of me thinking I was going to get the first girl I had sex with pregnant! I'ts funny when your young you didn't care about who had sex with that girl the day before (which was my best friend) you were just on to the next and the next... I had girlfriends, I had a lot of girlfriends but I felt it was necessary to hurt each and every one before they hurt me. I never stayed with someone more then a month and If I did it was only because I was working on getting laid. I would buy her kicks, clothes, cheesy gold jewelry and you know what, it worked every time! I became a Player, In fact I wanted to be the best damn player there ever was. I had my mind made up that I didn't need love I just needed pussy. It became a huge game to me, I remember having two girls on the phone at the same time trying to talk them into having a three way with me, not that I could handle it at the time but just because I was good looking and new I was fucking with their heads. I was a monster! The guy who cheated, the guy that fucked you and ran, even virgins didn't stand a chance! I fucked anything and everything that walked in front of me. I fucked the pain away because in heart there was just an empty space that I never thought I could fill until I met her.. I didn't know it at the time but I had met the girl I would want to fall in love with and live happily ever after. Of course at the time I cheated on her, not knowing the damage or even caring about the damage it would do. I instead fell in love with a girl who drove me absolutely crazy to the brink of insanity. I had wished I was dead or in jail at one point just because it seemed like a better option. I turned my back on everything, my family, my friends, and myself. Just when I became this individual I revoked it with pouring my heart in to the witches cauldron. I had become the one getting played, maybe it was my own punishment for hurting all those girls. In the end I got what I needed all along, love. I had a beautiful baby girl Maranda, who became the center of my life.. my chee.. my zen. Old Snow wasn't out of the game he was just taking a break. He was now Chris and most of all, Dad.